\Elusive Love 5: How to Identify the Dangers in Your Relationships.
In this post, we are going to help you learn how to identify dangers in your relationships. When we say dangers we mean dangers. There are traps in which you might find yourself in which at worse will waste a great deal of your time. People who are ambivalent about commitment, people who are struggling and who don’t intend to do something about it and a whole lot more people who simply are never going to get you what you want. These are bad enough.
However, there are people out there who are dangerous, mentally emotionally, physically, socially, financially. Here are some nasty statistics. In Australia, 60 women are murdered by their partner each year. One in 6 women and one in 20 men experience domestic violence. There is an increase in coercive control in which a partner slowly extricates you from your support networks, and slowly breaks down your confidence until you are completely under their control. And it gets worse they continue this process until you are a shadow of your former self and then they typically get rid of you. There are people who will take your money, there are people who will infiltrate your social group and damage your reputation and the list goes on.
In this post, we’re going to look at some of the more common dangerous partners and show you what to look out for and how to avoid them.
The Last Post
In our last post, we looked at the question of how to identify the traps and dangers in modern relationships. You can find it here if you haven’t read it already. How to Identify the Traps In Modern Relationships. Here is a summary of what we discussed.
You need to know what is out their, and how to identify the traps and dangers so you can avoid them. The reality is not everyone you meet or even start dating is relationship ready. Some never will be and consequently, you need to avoid these. Some are time wasters or people who don’t deliver on their promises. There is a lot of deception, and roleplaying out there in the modern relationship market place. People want to overstate themself so they look more attractive than they really are. I’ve had clients report that their partners said they were vastly wealthy. That they had properties around the world and successful global businesses. My clients later found out they were a printer in Sydney earning 90K per annum. To emphasise a point you need to learn how to identify dangers in your relationships, so you can avoid them or fix them.
Know the people in your life.
You need to know and understand the people in your life thoroughly so you can decide if they are right for you. Research shows that the majority of people who break up do so for reasons that were present before they decided to be exclusive. In other words, the problems were there at the beginning.
So why do people ignore these early warning signs? Well, the answer is “for a lot of reasons”. Some stay because they are insecure about being alone and believe a bad partner is better than no partner. Others stay believing that they can compensate or make up for their partner’s problems. Some stay believing there will change. In some cases, people stay because the pain caused by a break up seems too hard to bear. Research shows that these and a number of other reasons keep people in relationships far longer than they probably should stay.
The thing is, you’re looking for someone who can grow with you and support you as you grow together. What’s more, you need to be relationship ready so you can grow and commit as well. If you’d like to read from the beginning of this series Elusive Love, How to Find Love in the Modern World, click here….. read more Elusive Love 1: How to find love in the modern world.
Learn How to Identify the Dangers in Your Relationships
You would do well to learn how to identify and avoid the dangers in your relationships. There are dangerous personality types, people who can and will cause you mental, emotional, physical, financial and social harm. On the other hand, there are people with severe addictions who may not kill you but may cause you fatal financial, social and emotional damage. Some people are time wasters who arent’ available and may use up all your time stopping you from getting what you want from life. Others are people who are so grossly insecure that they will cause all sorts of distress which may not be fatal but may well be all-consuming and completely disruptive to your life. Below are a few examples from each category and a few ideas about how to identify them. Once again it is highly recommended that you learn how to identify dangers in your relationships.
What are the Dangers in Modern Relationships?
There are people who are mentally, emotionally, physically, socially and financially dangerous. These will do you harm in one or all of these areas. These personality types account for a large amount of domestic violence, including intimate partner murder, and murder-suicide. In Australia, 60 women are murdered per annum by one of these types of people. The basic category of behaviour that these personality types exhibit in relationships is called “Coercive Control” The best advice for anyone regarding these types of people is to stay away from them. If you find yourself in their sphere of influence get professional advice and you probably should get away as soon as you can. These personality types are very resistant to change.
Dangerous or Toxic Personality Types.
Anti-Social Personality Types:
According to the DSM 5 ( Diagnostic Statistical Manual 5 ) Anti Social Personality types are people who have no ability to understand or empathize with the emotions of others. In other words, they can’t care about your feelings. You could imagine how hard it would be to live with a person like this. What’s more, they routinely act with disregard for the rights of others. Often acting violently or manipulatively to achieve their own ends. Whilst some are responsive to therapeutic interventions many people with ASPD are very resistant to change. A common indicator that you are dealing with one of these is they never understand your feelings, they are mean, threatening and violent and they just don’t care about anyone but themselves. The best advice is to avoid them completely. If you are with the one you are best advised to leave or seek professional support.
Narcissistic Personality Types
According to the DSM 5 ( Diagnostic Statistical Manual 5 ), Narcissistic types are people who can’t or refuse to take alternate points of view from their own. They are poor at being able to empathize; they tend to have high regard for themselves and low regard for others. People with NPD routinely take advantage of others to ensure they succeed in their aspirations.
Narcissists, almost never question their own point of view. If you are with them they will routinely put you down. They may become enraged when you hold another point of view. A malignant narcissist will slowly isolate you from your friends, family and others supports. They will then engage in a process of coercive control in which they treat you as property. If you don’t comply they will routinely either explode with rage and anger or they will plead and beg you to comply. To find out more about these personality types here are some articles. I recommend you read them.
There are people with personality problems that don’t necessarily qualify for narcissism or anti-social personality disorders, but who are just as dangerous and toxic. These traits are often associated with Psychopathy. These fall, loosely into a group called Callous Un-emotional types. There are many reasons why someone might be callous and uncaring. A person may have a brain injury, they may have had insufficient nurturing as a child. Others may have had a distressing childhood. They may have had trauma. There does appear to be a link to differences in brain function and structure in the case of these personality concerns. The cardinal concern is that they develop a callousness towards others that interferes with their ability to create safe intimate relationships. Here is an article to explain more about this type of personality issue.
Growing up with a callous, unemotional sibling. Posted Apr 23, 2014
Why Female Psychopaths Are a Different Breed. Callous and opportunistic, female psychopaths are the rarest of a rare breed. Though they share much with their male counterparts, they may be even better equipped to elude detection. By Katherine Ramsland published June 24, 2019 – last reviewed on March 27, 2020
Angry People with Poor Emotional Regulation Who are Prone to Rages.
Many people have poor emotional regulation issues. The cause is often trauma. But the cause can also be as mundane as a child that has been overindulged and never learns to share or cooperate. If a person is prone to angry outbursts to extreme rages they can be very difficult to live with. Many people who struggle with emotional regulation issues, particularly anger, will resort to violence. Whilst others may simply wear you down with their constant explosions until you become a shadow of your former self. Again the best advice if for the person involved to seek professional help and learn to regulate their emotions. However, if they don’t demonstrate good control in a reasonable period of time it might be wiser to just leave.
Learn how to identify dangers in your relationships, Some Lesser Dangers.
People with serious addictions causing financial distress or ruin.
If your partner has a serious addiction life with them may not be overwhelmingly difficult but could be very hard none the less. Addiction in relationship commonly causes issues around reliability, trust, confidence. It can also drive resentments that leave the person without the addiction feeling unfairly treated. If this goes on long enough then the relationship often breaks down altogether. The best advice is that the person with the addiction gets into an effective treatment program. If they show progress then in many cases you can go on to enjoy a happy life together. If on the other hand, they don’t show progress in a reasonable period of time it might be wise to leave.
People with Severe Mental Health Issues.
There are a lot more people that, you probably need to careful with. Estimates between 4 and 15 per cent of the population may not be suitable partners at any one time. Whilst some could be dangerous to your health, wellbeing, social status, reputation and financial position. These people can make your life terrible or even in some cases end your life. However, the majority of people who may be difficult to form a relationship with could include someone with major depression or a major anxiety disorder. People with Bi-Polar Depression or Borderline Personality disorder can often be difficult to form relationships with. You can read up on the impact of serious mental health issues and personal intimate relationships here
Half of all adults will experience a mental health condition in their lifetime.
You don’t need to be a professional therapist to learn how to identify dangers in your relationships.
Trust Your First Instincts.
Research shows us that a major cause of relationship break down is choosing the wrong partner even though the evidence was there at the start of the relationship. Research shows us that the reasons people ultimately break up were present at the beginning of the relationship in the majority of cases. Recently I worked with a person who told me the following. “I had this feeling that this guy I’m dating was a bit off the first time I met him”. So why didn’t I trust my instincts? Now I know I need to leave because is extremely abusive. He has begun to push me and grab me leaving bruises. He calls me hideous names and screams at me until I’m crying. My boss keeps asking me why I am not confident any more.
Be Brave and Read The Signs
As it turned out this person had met a highly manipulative malignant narcissist who knew how to persuade her to start going out with him only to slowly isolate her from her friends and family and begin a campaign of verbal and sometimes physical abuse. She constantly tells me I saw the signs right at the beginning but I ignored them.
I have had other clients report to me that they met someone who was really nice but had no ambition. In the end, their lack of ambition became a major hurdle for me. I hated having to be the breadwinner. I became very resentful. I’ve had men report to me that their wives are never satisfied. Even when they do everything that their wife asks she still isn’t happy.
One man I’ve worked with reported that his wife would badger and harang him constantly about how bad a person he was until he would go into a kind of shut down. Now she is leaving him and threatening to sue him for all his estate and to take his children off him. If you can relate to either of these examples, it is wise that you take the time to learn how to identify dangers in your relationships
Why do people ignore the dangers in their relationships?
Why do people stay together when there are problems from the get-go? It has to do with the way we learned to form close intimate contacts in our childhood. Let’s just simplify it by saying that people stay with the wrong person because the perceived value of the relationship is greater than the distress of leaving. They really want something that they are not going to get but are unwilling to leave because the idea of leaving was scarier than staying.
This post carries over from the previous post. It expands on the idea that not everyone you meet is partner material. Some are not ready, some are not available and some are dangerous. This post highlighted some of the more common dangerous personality types and some that are really very disruptive. If you find yourself involved with a dangerous or toxic personality then you should seek professional advice. You may have to consider leaving. Or, if you find yourself with someone who may not be dangerous but are disruptive you should also seek professional advice. You may need to consider that therapy isn’t working, and you don’t think you could live with the person and be happy, you should leave.
Know What You’re Getting Yourself Into Before You Go Into the Woods or You Might Get a Big Bad Surprise! Choose Wisely, Because it Could Have Life-Long Consequences! You Don’t Know What’s Inside An Orange Until You Squeeze It! Take the time to learn how to identify dangers in your relationships.
In the next Post
We’re Going to move on and look at how to become a great relator so you can identify, attract and develop a relationship with another great relator.