Elusive Love 5:

Learn How to Become A Great Relater So You Can Find The Right Person For You.

This post will frame up how to become a great relater, so you can find the right person for you.  You see, the best way to find the right person for you is to first understand what it takes to be a great relater.  That way you will understand the attributes you’re looking for in a partner.  You will also be less likely to fall for the traps that are common in the dating and relating game.  This is a huge topic so we’re going to cover the critical ideas so you can get started right away on your journey to finding the right person for you.  But if you want to read more about what it means to become a great relater so you can find the right person for you. I will put a few links that you can follow below.

In the last post

We examined the dangers in modern relationships. Yes, there are dangerous people and situations that can harm and even kill you.  We showed you that some personality types are very dangerous and will cause you serious harm.  Also, we looked at some less troubling personality types that you could work with but will still be quite a challenge.  We also gave you some ideas about what to do about them and how to seek the help you need.  If you want to read the last post you can find it by clicking this link. Understanding the Dangers In Relationships Learn How to Identify Dangers in Your Relationships

What is a Great relater?

A great relater is someone who knows what relating is and what relationships are and how they work best.  It’s someone who is able to successfully connect safely with a wide range of people and personality types in different easy, complex and high-stress circumstances.  It is someone who knows how to maximise fulfilment and minimise distress a couple might experience as they navigate life together.

What are the Attributes of a Great Relater?

1. Knows what relating is and what relationships are and how they work best. 

   1. This means that they will know what to do and how to do it to get the maximum fulfilment with the least distress. People who don’t know what they are doing.

2. Is safe:

   1. Mental, emotional and physical safety is essential between two people.  If one or the other person doesn’t feel safe then they will put their guard up and won’t be able to connect.  You can’t connect from behind the wall of defence mechanisms.

3. Is Secure and Individuated.

   1. This means they are not anxious about life and living.  They have a strong, positive sense of purpose, meaning and direction and are not worried if others don’t approve

4. Is Self-determining:

   1. A person who doesn’t depend on you for decisions and can make sensible choices without input from others.  These people are far easier to work with because they don’t need to be supervised.

5. Is Understanding:

   1. This critical skill is the foundation of acceptance, validation and connection with others.  Having said this, it is also the most important skill in problem-solving.  After when you have to cooperate with others in relationships you will have to do a lot of problem-solving in a mutually validating way.

6. Is Tolerant:

   1. Tolerance is vital in life and especially when in a relationship. It enables you to stay calm in difficult situations.  No one gets everything they want always.  So it is important to learn how to tolerate disappointment. In all decisions, there is some level of disappointment however small.  If you choose one thing you can’t have the other.  Failure to tolerate disappointment drives a lot of distress in relationships.  You want someone who can keep themselves together under pressure.

7. Is Respectful:

   1. Respect underpins mental and emotional and physical safety.  If you don’t respect you will probably start fights you don’t need.  Respect for other points of view and respect for other peoples values even if you don’t agree prevents, un-necessary,  anger, upset and distress.

8. Is Empathic: 

   1. Empathy or the ability to understand situations from another person’s point of view as if you were them is the foundation of truly connecting, validating and intimacy.  Without empathy, you will push people away.  They won’t feel close or valued or validated by you.

9. Is Caring:

   1. This goes without saying.  If they don’t care then you will feel not cared for.  Care is a demonstration of love and support.  No relationship is healthy for either party in the absence of care.

10. Is Collaborative:

    1. Relationships are cooperations between two people for a purpose.  If you can’t collaborate you can’t cooperate.  The ability to collaborate is simply the ability to plan together.  The better you collaborate the better your sense of synchronicity and connection will be.   What’s more, you’ll be able to cooperate really well because you’ll both be on the same page.

11. Is Cooperative:

    1. Relationships are cooperations for a purpose.  If someone is easy to cooperate with you will enjoy working with them. On the other hand, if they are difficult to work with because they are oppositional you’ll find yourself not wanting to spend time with them.

12. Is Adaptable:

    1. Adaptability is simply the ability to let go of all your assumptions, expectations, values, rules and intentions and repackage them so you can get the best out of any situation.  People who are too rigid will be difficult to cooperate with, they will be unpleasant to deal with.  People who are adaptable are easy to work with.

13. Is Good at Stress Management: 

    1. Stress is everywhere.  No one escapes it.  If you are great at stress management you’re just more pleasant to be around.  Besides your probably much more clear-headed.  People with poor stress management skills routinely make poor decisions.  They will also tend to bring their stress into the relationship making it unnecessarily difficult.

14. Is a Good problem solver:

    1. It has been said that life is just a series of problem-solving exercises.  In all of our most important areas of life, we have to problem-solve.  In self-management, if I’m anxious because I don’t know how to do something then the problem solving is simply a case of learning to do the thing or get someone else to do it for you.  Poor problem-solving causes more problems than it solves.  Life with a poor problem solver will routinely see you constantly putting out fires and never getting ahead.

15. Can be Fun:

    1. Life is too important to not have fun.  What would a life without fun be?  Funnless?????  Yes, life is serious at times but having an attitude of fun can make even the toughest situations in life much more manageable.

16. Is a Good Conversationalist:

    1. The thing you will do most in life apart from breathing is chatting.  The ability to hold a conversation connects you with others.  It also is a way to find out about other people so you can get close to them.  Or if they are not particularly nice you will quickly find out through conversation and know what to do about it.

17. Is Well employed:

    1. It is important that the person you partner with can carry their own weight financially.  You don’t want to have to carry them.  But it is also a good way to tell if they have any of the above attributes.

18. Is Invested in Personal Growth:

    1. Life is too difficult to master in a few years.  People who are highly invested in mastering themselves are much more likely to get the better things life and love have to offer. If you were a 15 year old mentally and emotionally at the age of 35 or older, you are just going to struggle.

19. Is Positively Engaged:

    1. People who are positively engaged in life and living are more creative, more adaptable, more energetic.  They’re more compassionate, caring and kind.  All of these attributes make dating and relating so much easy.  What’s more positive people are more fun to be around.

20. Is Optimistic and Grateful: 

    1. Optimism is vitally important in all the above.  Optimism is about believing that there will be challenges in your life but you will ultimately figure out how to overcome them.  Optimists tend to be much less likely to ever get depressed, anxious or stressed.  They are more resilient and more patient and are usually more open-minded.  All of which makes dating and relation an optimist much easier.  A person who is grateful is a person who is content.

In Summary. How To Find The Right Person For You

In this post, we looked at the attributes of a great relater.  We also explained that the best way to find the right person for you is to become an expert relater.  Only when you learn how to be a great relater will you know what to look for in others.  In the meantime you might want to look at some other posts that talk about the attributes of great relationships.  Find out more about the attributes of great relationships by reading this post.  The 15 essential qualities of great relationships.  Or find out about your own personal attachment style by taking this test. Relationship Attachment Style Test.

In the Next Post

In the next post, we’re going to look at why you have to become good at relating if you want to find the person that is right for you.

Until then

Cheers

Jim