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How to understand the traps in modern relationships.

Elusive Love 4, Welcome to The Jungle. How to understand the traps in modern relationships

In this post, we’re going to look at the challenge of “How to understand the traps and dangers in modern relationships.  Understanding the traps and dangers in modern relationships is the first step in avoiding them. Partnering with someone who has a dangerous personality can literally kill you.  More commonly partnering with someone who really isn’t available will waste your time.

Recap and Review

In the last post, see it here if you haven’t already read it, we outlined four steps that you need to take for you to become relationship fit.  If you follow these steps.  If you integrate what you learn, you will know what you need to find the right person.  You’ll be able to then go on and create the kind of relationship you love being in. You’ll also understand if and how you should leave a relationship if you need to.   The steps were 1. Know what you’re dealing with. 2 Become a great relator, 3. Attract another great relator, 4. Practice, grow and develop your connection.

How to understand the traps and Dangers in the Modern World of Dating and Relating.

This post is about step one.  Know what you’re dealing with.  You need to be aware of the traps, and dangers that are common in the modern world of dating and relating. You need to know how to understand the traps and dangers in modern relationships.  Why do you ask? Simple, so you don’t get caught in them.

The world of dating and relating has always had its dangers and opportunities.

Gone are the days when we could have a lazy romantic view of relationships. Relationships are rarely a Cinderella story. You can hold the view that relationships should be a fairy tale if you like. But if you do it will cause you to become distressed because it’s not real.  Don’t get me wrong I love romance and we need it in our lives.  The virtuous maiden being, swept off her feet by the chivalrous, strong, dependable knight in shining armour rarely ever happens. The Cinderella story was a fairy tale.  Prince Charming wasn’t a real person.  In real life, Cinderella could be a really nice girl and Prince Charming might be a pretty good guy.  But they could also both be psychos.  In the real world, people can be everything in between nice and crazy.  Remember you have to know How to understand the traps and dangers in modern relationships if you are going to avoid them.

What Really Happened To Cinderella and Snow White?

One has to wonder what her life was like once she married PC. What happened back at the castle? Did she enjoy a life of luxury?  Was she left in to wait around whilst Prince Charming ran the Kingdom?  Was he just a dude who wanted a pretty wife who could produce him some children? Did he have his eye on one of her chambermaids?  Perhaps he set her up and went off hunting and drinking with his Royal boys. She may have adapted to Royal life perfectly.  Cinderella might have found her place and became the consummate princess. On the other hand, perhaps members of the Royal family didn’t embrace her and caused her great stress until she had to leave.

Who knows, they didn’t write that part of the story.  They should have so we could see the world as it really is. Perhaps PC was perfect.  There are great guys and girls out there.  We have many examples where this kind of thing has worked and also, where this hasn’t worked.  There is Edward and Mrs Simpson. We have Dianna and Charles.  We have Harry and Meghan, Mary and Frederick, Will and Kate, Grace Kelly and a whole bunch more.   If you want to succeed in relationships you need to see the world as it really is. Not through the lens of a fairy tale and all its ideals. (Read more about what vulnerabilities exist in relationships here)

Consider Things Thoroughly When Choosing Your Partner, Your Life and Happiness Depends on It.

Understand the traps and pitfalls of modern relationships before you make your choice.

There is a lot to consider and understand before you can decide if someone is right for you or not.  You have to know what is going on out there. You have to KNOW and like, the person you’re getting into the relationship bed with.  It also really helps to know their family and friends. Think about this, when you partner, you partner with a social group, not just a person.  You have to know who you’re dealing with if you want to be confident you know what you’re doing.  If you don’t, you’re gambling, with your life and happiness.  Before moving on just take a moment to let the importance of what I’m saying sink in.  Your success in relationships may depend on it. To reiterate, if you know how to understand the traps and dangers in modern relationships you can avoid them and not fal into them.

Old Views Vs New Views, Duds, Studs, Keepers and Losers.

Old views about successful relating took a severe blow during the 20th Century (read more about how the 20th Century Changed relationships here).  Relationship success prior to World War II was about adhering to social, religious, legal and biological rules.  You were said to be successful if you had no scandals.  In other words,  you didn’t break the rules for 45 years or more.  Happiness and personal fulfilment didn’t come first. Although many of these people would have found fulfilment following the rules we also can assume many didn’t.

The old world order was dealt a savage blow during the 20th century.  Peoples attitudes to relating changed because of wars, technological and social revolutions, changes to laws and a decline in the average person’s faith in God and religion.

In the 21st century, old ideas are being usurped by a cauldron of competing ideas. Some of those new ideas have no chance of working and really need to be discarded.  Some of which have merit but don’t seem to work in practice.  Other ideas are great and work and need to be adopted.  Added to this mix of new ideas, there are duds and studs.  There are keepers and losers. Then there are predators and jokers. Some people are ready and some people are not. It’s important to note that there are people who can never be ready for more traditional forms of relationship because of a range of problems such as serious mental health issues, personality disorders or trauma.

Things Are Not Always What They Seem

What’s difficult for people looking to get into a relationship is people don’t walk around with a sign on their head saying, “I’m a Malignant Narcissistic Sociopath” or “I’m a social climber” or “I’m a time-waster because I’m not really interested in commitment” or “I’m not relationship-ready”.  (You can read more about dangerous personality types here Dangerous Personality Types)

Even the most innocent people may embellish their image so you find them more appealing.  The scary thing is the really bad dudes and dudettes take this kind of pretence and deception to the next level.  They will say and do almost anything so you find them more attractive.  They are happy to tell you complete fabrications, to get you into their world. In the middle of the innocent and the predators, we have people who mix half-truths with reality so they seem more attractive.

So the responsibility is on you to work out the duds from the studs the keepers from the losers and the predators from the carers.  You have to work that out yourself by getting to know them.  If you don’t know what to look out for you might find yourself in a relationship that doesn’t add value to your life.  Or worse it makes your life less fulfilling.  If you do know how to tell the difference it can be pretty easy to recognize who you can safely let into your life and who you shouldn’t.  So with this in mind, I’ve written this post on how to understand the traps and dangers of dating and relating in the modern world.  In the next post we’re going to go into this topic a little further.  I really want you to be prepared so you don’t get caught up in some of the pitfalls that you will encounter.

Summary of How to Understand the Traps and Dangers of Modern Relationships

  1. You need to know what is out their, and how to identify the traps and dangers so you can avoid them.
  2. There is a lot of deception, and roleplaying out there in the modern relationship market place.
  3. You need to know and understand the people in your life thoroughly so you can decide if they are right for you.
  4. You’re looking for someone who will grow with you and support you as you grow together.

 

There is a lot more you need to know about understanding the traps and pitfalls of the modern world of dating and relating, as well as opportunities that, are out there.  Don’t despair that it all sounds too complicated.  There are plenty of people who are relationship-ready and just right for you.

By learning all you can about the challenges you face as you search for your Mr or Mrs Right,  you are much more likely to find them.  You’re also going to find them more quickly because you won’t get sidetracked by making a poor partner choice.  You’ll learn to reject the duds, time-wasters and predators earlier.  That way you can focus on finding the keepers and the carers faster.  For now, just take the time to think about what you learned here and apply it to your life.

Here are some links to other posts that might fill out your understanding of the challenges you face in finding the right person.

 

Relationship Risks in Context: A Cumulative Risk Approach to Understanding Relationship Satisfaction

Vulnerability In Relationship

Signs of Serious Relationship Problems

Dangerous Personality Types

 

 

Cheers

 

Jim