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Understand the traps and opportunities in modern relationships.

Modern Relating, Welcome To The Jungle.  Know What You’re Dealing With.

In This Post:  Where going to start to learn how to understand the traps and opportunities in modern relationships

In this post, we’re going to look at the challenge of knowing what you’re dealing with in the modern dating and relating world.  We’re going to start to explain how to understand the traps and opportunities in modern relationships.  You need to know what’s out their and what you’re getting yourself into, so you can avoid the traps and maximize the opportunities that are common.   Let me ask you a question.  Would you go on an African or Amazon jungle trip without some kind of preparation?

Welcome to The Jungle?

When I was considering how to write this post I decided to call it Modern Relationships Welcome to The Jungle.  You see the modern world of relationships is like a jungle where there are plenty of amazing creatures. Some of them are beautiful and completely harmless.   While others are extremely dangerous and may kill you.  Some are just not available for partnering. and will waste your time.  While on the other hand some of them are relationship ready and are the ones you want to connect with.

I don’t want to scare and depress people into believing it’s all dangerous and hopeless though.  It’s not.  There are heaps of amazing people out their with whom you can create thriving, fulfilling, relationships.  This post is about helping you learn how to tell the difference. It’s about helping you understand the differences between the keepers and the carers and the people you should avoid.  Many people have wasted years of their lives trying to make a relationship work when really they should have left.  It’s easier to change people than to change people.  You’re better off looking for someone who is relationship ready than wasting your time on someone who isn’t.  It’s so very important to know how to understand the traps and opportunities in modern relationships if you are going to avoid those traps and grab the opportunities.

Look Beyond The Surface

In the the real jungle with a bit of education you can learn to tell the difference between the animals you can approach the ones you must avoid.  You can learn how to do this by doing some study, asking the experts what to look for.  The secret is though, you need to look beyond the outward appearance and look deeply into a persons character to tell the keepers from the time wasters.

Learn to Recognize the Type by Their Appearance, their Words and their Behaviors.

It’s the same with people in the modern world of dating and relating.  You need to look at their outward appearance of course but you also need to look at  their behavior’s and their inward characteristics.  There are some complications when it comes to determining if a person is relationship ready that you need to understand.  This means you have to be more careful at understanding the character of the person your thinking about starting a relationship with. This will give you the greatest chance of picking a partner you love being in relationship with.

Don’t rely on Appearance Alone.

For example, you wont necessarily tell the predators from the keepers by the way they look.  Good guys and bad guys come in all kinds of packaging. Some of the worse people look stunning and some of the best people look plain or even un-attractive. and vice versa.  Some of the best people are super attractive and some of the worst people are physically repulsive.  You can’t rely on appearance alone.

People don’t walk around with a sign on their head saying, I’m violent and dangerous keep away.  No one has a neon sign flashing above them saying, I’m not ready I’ll just waste your time.  While others don’t have a business card that says, I’m the perfect partner for you so please come play with me.  It might not be possible to tell the difference just by their outward appearance.  There there may be some clues in their appearance. The reality is you need to look at their behaviour, their attitudes and beliefs to know if the person is partner material.

In other words, you really need to know their inner character if you are going to know how to understand the traps and opportunities in modern relationships.  There is a great old adage that I always think of and that is “You don’t know what’s inside an orange until you squeeze it.  It’s the same with people.  We all have our strengths and weaknesses.  It’s best that you get to know your potential partners strengths and weakness early on in the relationship.  That way you will know if they have what it takes to get through the tough times as well as the good times.

Don’t Be Daunted

It might seem a bit daunting to have to go through some extra steps, and some deeper understanding when choosing who to partner with.  But the thing is  you are far better off taking the time to choose wisely as opposed to rushing in attaching yourself to the wrong person.  You don’t want to find you’re in relationship with someone you ultimately want to get away from down the track.   Research shows us that most relationships that are unhappy or break up report that the problems that ultimately saw them separate were present before they became partners.  In other words the problems were there at the start and people just ignored the signs.

Don’t be daunted, with a bit of study and learning from experts and listening to people with experience you can quickly learn to tell the difference between someone who is a whole bunch of trouble waiting to wreck your life; a time waster who isn’t ready; and someone who is relationship ready and raring to go.  The trick is to look beyond the external appearances and understand the true nature of the person your thinking about partnering with.

To to this you need to take the following steps so you can know how to understand the traps and opportunities in modern relationships.

  1. Know what’s out their so you can no who to avoid and who to approach.
  2. Listen to and understand their, thoughts, emotions and the actions no just the words.
  3. Understand their social group, particularly family and friend relationships.
  4. Determine if they are relationship ready, watching how they live.

How to Understand the Traps and Opportunities in Modern Relationships, So You Can Tell the Keepers from th Time Wasters

Understanding the traps and opportunities in modern relationships is the first step in avoiding those traps and dangers.  If you do this you can have the best chance finding someone who will work with you to create the best relationships possible.  But navigating the modern world of relating, isn’t just about understanding the traps, it’s also about understanding the opportunities.

You see it’s just as important to understand who is suitable for you so you can grab them when they come along.  It’s as much about understanding who is partner material as it is about understanding those who aren’t.  Partnering with someone who has a dangerous personality can literally kill you. Or more commonly partnering with someone who really isn’t available will waste your time.  While on the other hand partnering with someone who is relationship ready, willing and available will see you building a thriving relationship as quickly as possible.

Recap and Review

In the last post, see it here if you haven’t already read it. (How To Succeed in Relationships, A Step By Step Guide for Building Successful, Thriving Relationships.) .  We outlined five steps that you need to take for you to become relationship fit.  If you follow these steps.  If you integrate what you learn, you will know what you need to find the right person.  You’ll be able to then go on and create the kind of relationship you love being in. You’ll also understand if and how you should leave a relationship if you need to.   The steps were 1. Know what you’re dealing with. 2 Become a great relator, 3. Attract another great relator, 4. Commit and partner.  5. Practice, grow and develop your connection.

How to understand the traps and Opportunities in Modern Relationships.

This post is about step one.  Know what you’re dealing with so you can know how to understand the traps and opportunities in modern relationships. You need to be aware of the traps, and dangers that are common in the modern world of dating and relating. You need to know how to understand the traps and dangers in modern relationships, so you don’t get caught in them.

The world of dating and relating has always had its dangers and opportunities.

Gone are the days when we could have a lazy romantic view of relationships. Relationships are rarely a Cinderella story. You can hold the view that relationships should be a fairy tale if you like. But if you do it will cause you to become distressed when it isn’t a fairy tale.  Don’t get me wrong I love romance and we need it in our lives. But the reality is that the virtuous maiden being, swept off her feet by the chivalrous, strong, dependable knight in shining armor rarely ever happens.

Remember, the Cinderella story was a fairy tale.  Prince Charming wasn’t a real person.  In real life, Cinderella could be a really nice girl and Prince Charming might be a pretty good guy.  But they could also both be psychos.  In the real world, people can be everything in between nice and crazy.  Remember you have to know How to understand the traps and dangers in modern relationships if you are going to avoid them. Let’s face it why don’t fairy tales tell you what happened after the guy gets the girl, or the girl gets the girl or the guy gets the guy to be fair.

What Really Happened To Cinderella and Snow White?

One has to wonder what her life was like once she married PC. What happened back at the castle? Did she enjoy a life of luxury?  Was she left to wait around whilst Prince Charming ran the Kingdom?  Was he just a dude who wanted a pretty wife who could produce him some children? Did he have his eye on one of her chambermaids?  Perhaps he set her up in the castle and went off hunting and drinking with his Royal boys. She may have adapted to Royal life perfectly.  Cinderella might have found her place and became the consummate princess. On the other hand, perhaps members of the Royal family didn’t embrace her and caused her great stress until she had to leave.

Who knows, they didn’t write that part of the story.  They should have so we could see the world as it really is. Perhaps PC was perfect.  There are great guys and girls out there.  We have many examples where this kind of thing has worked and also, where this hasn’t worked.  There is Edward and Mrs. Simpson. We have Dianna and Charles.  We have Harry and Meghan, Mary and Frederick, Will and Kate, Grace Kelly and a whole bunch more.   If you want to succeed in relationships you need to see the world as it really is. Not through the lens of a fairy tale and all its ideals. (Read more about what vulnerabilities exist in relationships here)

What would have happened in each of these relationships if these people had known how to understand the traps and opportunities in modern relationships.  Would they have gone the way they have gone?  Would they have even happened at all?

Consider Things Thoroughly When Choosing Your Partner, Your Life and Happiness Depends on It.

There is a lot to consider and understand before you can decide if someone is right for you or not.  You have to know and like the person you’re getting into the relationship bed with.  It also really helps to know their family and friends. Think about this, when you partner, you partner with a social group, not just a person.  You have to know who you’re dealing with if you want to be confident you’re choosing the right person.  If you don’t, you’re gambling, with your life’s satisfaction and happiness.  Before moving on just take a moment to let the importance of what I’m saying sink in.  Your success in relationships may depend on it understanding the person and the way they interact with others can tell you a lot about how they’ll interact with you.

Old Views Vs New Views, Duds, Studs, Keepers and Losers.

Old views about successful relating took a severe blow during the 20th Century (read more about how the 20th Century Changed relationships here).  Relationship success prior to World War II was about adhering to social, religious, legal and biological rules.  You were said to be successful if you had no scandals.  In other words,  you didn’t break the rules for 45 years or more.  Happiness and personal fulfilment didn’t come first. Although many of these people would have found fulfilment following the rules we also can assume many didn’t.

The Cauldron of Competing Ideas Makes for an Un-regulated Relationships Market Place?

The old world order was dealt a savage blow during the 20th century.  Peoples attitudes to relating changed because of wars, technological and social revolutions.  There were a lot of changes to laws and a decline in the average person’s faith in God and religion.  We saw the rise in individualism.  We’ve seen the emergence of unlimited relationship options.  We also have a massive number of new ideas about how the world of relationships works. While the idea of keeping up appearances is alive and well there are plenty of people who want happiness and satisfaction in their relationships not just the appearance of the perfect relationship.  There has been a shift from a rules based selection process to more of a free will selection process.

Some of the Old Rules Remain While Others Fade Away.

In the 21st century, old ideas are being usurped by a cauldron of competing ideas. Some of those new ideas have no chance of working and really need to be discarded.  Some of those modern ideas may seem to have merit but don’t seem to work in practice.  Other ideas are great and work and need to be adopted.  Added to this mix of new ideas, there are duds and studs.  There are keepers and losers. Then there are predators and jokers. Some people are relationship ready and some people are not. It’s important to note that there are some people who can never be ready for more traditional forms of relationship.  This may because of a range of problems such as serious mental health issues, personality disorders or trauma, or they simply may reject the idea of traditional relationships.

With all this change, some of the rules remain but many of them don’t work.  Rules such as you must maintain safety, respect for a relationship to flourish are still alive and well.  Rules around tolerance, understanding, acceptance and care are essential for creating close, connected relationships.  But that’s about it. Everything else is negotiable.  Which brings me to a point that I’m going to go into detail about later.  The super power of the modern couple is their ability to negotiate and work together to create mutually fulfilling experiences. But more about that in a later post.

Things Are Not Always What They Seem

What’s difficult for people looking to get into a relationship is people don’t walk around with a sign on their head saying, “I’m a Malignant Narcissistic Sociopath” or “I’m a social climber” or “I’m a time-waster because I’m not really interested in commitment” or “I’m not relationship-ready”.  (You can read more about dangerous personality types here Dangerous Personality Types)

Even the most innocent people may embellish their image so you find them more appealing.  The scary thing is the really bad dudes and dudettes, take this kind of pretense and deception to the next level.  They will say and do almost anything so you find them more attractive.  They are happy to tell you complete fabrications, to get you into their world. In between the innocent and the predators, we have people who mix half-truths with reality so they seem more attractive.

Beware the Responsibility of Your Choice, Starts and Ends With You.

So the responsibility is on you to work out the duds from the studs the keepers from the losers and the predators from the carers.  You have to work that out yourself by getting to know them.  You have to be able to tell the pretense and embellishments from the truth about who they are and how they behave.  If you don’t know what to look out for you might find yourself in a relationship that doesn’t add value to your life.  Or worse it makes your life less fulfilling or even miserable.  On the other hand if you do know how to tell the difference it can be pretty easy to recognize who you can safely let into your life and who you shouldn’t.

So with this in mind, I’ve written this post on how to understand the traps and dangers of dating and relating in the modern world.  In the next post we’re going to go into this topic a little further.  I want you to be prepared so you don’t get caught in some of the pitfalls that you most definitely will encounter.

Summary of How to Understand the Traps and Dangers of Modern Relationships

  1. You need to know what is out their, and how to identify the traps and dangers so you can avoid them.
  2. There is a lot of deception, and roleplaying out there in the modern relationship market place.
  3. You need to know and understand the people in your life thoroughly so you can decide if they are right for you.
  4. You’re looking for someone who will grow with you and support you as you grow together.

More to Learn about How To Understand the Traps and Opportunities in Modern Relationships.

There is a lot more you need to know about understanding the traps and pitfalls of the modern world of dating and relating.  But there is just as much to learn about the opportunities that, are out there.  Don’t despair that it all sounds too complicated.  There are plenty of people who are relationship-ready and just right for you.

By learning all you can about the challenges you face as you search for your Mr or Mrs Right,  you are much more likely to find them.  You’re also going to find them more quickly because you won’t get sidetracked by making a poor partner choice.  You’ll learn to reject the duds, time-wasters and predators earlier.  That way you can focus on finding the keepers and the carers faster.  For now, just take the time to think about what you learned here and apply it to your life.

Here are some links to other posts that might fill out your understanding of the challenges you face in finding the right person.

 

Relationship Risks in Context: A Cumulative Risk Approach to Understanding Relationship Satisfaction

Vulnerability In Relationship

Signs of Serious Relationship Problems

Dangerous Personality Types

 

 

Cheers

 

Jim

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