Elusive Love 3
From Chaos To Clarity
Ok, so the last post seems to make the whole dating and relating thing quite a bit overwhelming. Sorry about that. The thing is I don’t want to depress you I want to empower you. To do that you have to know what’s going on out there and what you’re up against. The modern dating and relationship space is a cauldron of competing ideas. It’s got predators and saints and everything in between all completing to get into relationships. It’s like a free market economy where almost everything is on offer, some of what is on offer are fantastic whilst some other offerings can be fatal. The problem is you the predators and the saints don’t walk around with a sign saying “danger beware” or “You’ve got nothing to be frightened of”.
Whilst it is kind of crazy and chaotic in the modern relationship space, the fact is lots of people have great relationships. So how come to some people seem to have great relationships and others seem to go from one bad one to another? How can some people navigate this massively diverse landscape and come out with what will work for them? What can you learn do about it to ensure you can identify, find and attract the right person for you and go on to create the kind of relationship you love being in.
Four Things to Get You Started
To get you started on the journey to finding that elusive love you’ve always been looking for, there are four things you have to know to and do to be able to be successful in relationships. These things are true whether you want long term or short term relationships. These things are true if you’re looking to get into a relationship or you need to leave one.
Understand what you’re dealing with!
- The modern world of dating and relating is complicated. There are people who are perfectly suited to you. There are people who are very dangerous and are to be avoided at all costs. There are people who will bore you to death. There are keepers and timewasters and there are duds and there are studs. There are people who have the potential to be right for you but just need more work. Your job is to know the difference so you can spot the person with the right attributes and character to compliment you, so you can make a sensible decision about who you let into your life.
Become Relationship Fit. Know What You’re Doing.
- Become a great relater, by understanding and adopting the principles, skills, and strategies that great relaters use. Adopt the principles skills and strategies that research shows us works so you can be confident you can work your way through the processes of becoming a great relator, attracting the right partner, and building a lasting relationship.
- Contrary to popular belief the ability to make a relationship work is a skill set that you have to learn. It is not pre-installed in our brains from birth. We have to acquire the right stuff through learning. For most of us, it starts in the creche or our earliest contacts with others and continues into our adulthood. It doesn’t just happen. It’s something you have to learn.
- What’s more, you need to learn what works based on research so you can have confidence in it. Yes, friends and what you might have picked up from social media can be helpful but you need the right information, and skills for you in your situation. You need to understand it so you can know how to master it.
- If you aren’t relationship ready you are probably going to fail. That’s the bad news but the good news is that if you learn a few key skills and strategies like empathy, understanding, communication, conflict resolution, and adaptability, you’ll become happy and fulfilled in yourself you’ll find life, and living a whole bunch more enjoyable. And here’s the kicker, you’re also going to find love a whole lot easier. If you learn how to be able to manage your emotions and communicate your needs and wants well you’re going to feel a lot better and increase your chances of getting what you want from relationships.
- Don’t worry that you have to spend decades mastering things before you start. No, but you do have to have all the basics frameworks in place and the rest you can learn on the job.
Attract another Great Relater.
- Once you’ve got your “S” (that’s short for Stuff) together, then it’s time to go out and attract another great relater. Because you’ve gone to the trouble of becoming a great relater, you will know the attributes of a great relater, you will recognize them in another person. Here’s the thing, though. Great relaters in any demographic are tricky to find. So you need a way of telling the duds from the studs and the keepers from the losers.
- To keep it simple “The keepers” will also be a great relater. They will have their S together. They will be relationship fit, and relationship ready. If you find someone who is relationship fit and relationship ready and who is also good for you, grab them.
Practice, Invest, Grow, Succeed. The only way to the top of the mountain is to take the steps.
- Practice and repetition is the pathway to mastery. No one is born knowing all they need to know to get through life. So we all need to eat a bit of humble pie and accept we have stuff to learn. When it comes to relationships, once you get the skills and strategies of great relating under your belt and you’ve found yourself another great relater, then you have to invest and practice.
- It’s all well and good to memorize the drivers manual but you are silly if you think you can just drive. Knowledge in your head isn’t skill in your hands. You will only become a great driver by taking that knowledge and practising over and over again in many different and often challenging situations until you have mastered it until it becomes an innate part of the way you are. Relating is no different.
- There is one truth in life that is true for relationships as well. We are all going to have ups and downs. We are all going to be confronted with situations we didn’t expect or want. With that in mind, we need to be prepared to practice in our daily lives all the principles, skills, and strategies that make getting through the highs and lows easier. This is also true for relationships. We have to develop a relationship practice mindset. When things get tough because someone is sick or someone loses their job. It is important that you have the skills to manage these situations so you don’t unravel. It’s also important to invest in the fun stuff as well as the problem-solving stuff.
If you practice and get to the top of the great relating mountain then you can enjoy the success you always been looking for, a satisfying and fulfilling relationship that makes your life better for being in it, not worse.
In the Next Post
In the next post, we’re going to introduce you to what you are really dealing with out there. That post is called Welcome to The Jungle.